Beta swapped
by Kiwi Loveberry
Summary: John fucks up and somehow they win the game on their first try.
1. Chapter 1

You fucked up. You fucked up really badly and you know it.

Your name is John Egbert and you just set off your friends and yourself to the wrong guardians.

"Shit..." you mumble as you feel yourself ripping apart. You congratulate yourself for ripping a hole in reality itself.


	2. Be John Strider

You're John Strider and you're sitting under your computer desk, shaking. It's your 13th birthday and your bro has rigged the apartment like some ultimate doomsday training. You have no idea what you've done to him to make him hate you so much. You make an emergency message to one of your best friends.

 **-trippyGhost[TG] started pestering turntechTherapist[TT]-**

 **TG: hello?**

 **TG: can you talk right now?**

 **TT: Oh, hi John. Happy birthday.**

 **TG: bro just rigged the whole apartment! send me help Lalonde!**

 **TT: I thought I did send you something helpful for your birthday.**

 **TG: Yeah, the scarf was sweet but i don't see how it'll help me**

 **TT: It was fun to make, I somehow went on a knitting spree and all you have to know is that all wizard statues now has their own badass scarf.**

 **TG: wow**

 **TG: send pictures lol**

 **TT: So did you rake in something else?**

 **TG: Jade got me some home made cookies! They taste amazing!**

 **TG: Rose got me an awesome poster and bro scared the living shit out of me.**

 **TT: Like more than normal?**

 **TG: like more than normal!**

 **TG: btw i got the game, are you ready to play yet?**

 **TT: I don't really want to play this game to be honest.**

 **TT: So I'm as ready as I can be.**

 **TG: great!**

 **-turntechTherapist[TT]'s connection cut-**

You sigh heavily. Lalondes connection has always been bad. You hear a swoosh and soon lil Cal plops down on top of you. The freakish doll is holding a piece of paper in its grasp. It stares at you with those soul consuming eyes and you nervously grab the note from it. Lil Cal disappears in a blur.

 **-turntechTherapist[TT] started pestering trippyGhost[TG]-**

 **TT: Sorry.**

 **TT: I found a stable connection, let's start playing.**

 **TG: i can't yet**

 **TT: ?**

 **TG: bro just dumped a note on me, says to go to the roof for our daily strife**

 **TT: No, we need to start now.**

 **TT: Rose and Jade has already started.**

 **TG: are you okay? You're usually writing paragraphs what the hell happened?**

 **TT: we don't have time!**

 **TG: Okay okay?**

 **TG: you're confusing me**

 **TT: ghkjgfjkghkj**

 **TG: dave?**

 **TT: Rose just poked me and I spilt my drink. It's nothing to worry about.**

 **TT: Dan it, I'm alrdy failng so bad.**

You plop the discs of the game sburb into your computer. You watch Dave have a mental breakdown on screen as the game loads. Dave probably needs a real therapist you think as the loading screen expands. It's really colorful and you can't take your eyes away.


	3. Be Lalonde

You're now Dave Lalonde. You can see into the future and you constantly know when and how people around you will die, you have a bit of a alcohol problem because of it. Your hobbies are creating music, knitting, making shitty animated movies and equally shitty comics.

Rose hits you in the back of your head again with a pillow. You can just hear her laugh. You sigh heavily, it's so goddamn bright outside whenever the lighting strikes.

"Goddamn it Harley!" you scream, trying to grab the offending object.

 **-gnostalgicGnome[GG] started pestering turntechTherapist[TT]-**

 **GG: Heeeeey Lalonde!**

 **TT: Hi Rose.**

 **TT: Would you mind quitting your constant beating of my fragile skull?**

 **GG: Myep!**

 **GG: I actually would mind that Mr. Lalonde**

"Damn it!" you silently curse yourself for even trying to reason with your dear internet sister. She just loves to tease you.

 **TT: How's it gong for you and Jade?**

 **GG: I just entered the game, it's kind of weird how I still have an internet connection lol!**

 **GG: You should enter as soon as possible!**

 **-your connection cut-**

"Double damn it!" You glance outside. The weather is raging and you start feeling very uneasy. You pick up your laptop and charger as well as a portable powerbank. The hallway outside your room is empty. If you know your mother right she might be lurking anywhere. Speaking of the alcoholic scientist...

"Hey Davey! Wanna washt a movie wih me?" she calls out to you, all smiles on her pretty face.

"Sorry mom, I have a game to play" you tell her. Her eyes light up like she knows something.

"Its it the sbrurb game?"

"I axtually bought a copy fur moi" she giggles giddily. "Me an ma collage bro 'ill play too"

"Oh, I saw this as a possibility but had no idea this was the path we would choose..." you mumble.

"'is name' Dick Strudel! A mean Dirk Strider! A strudel sounds good rite now. I'll go make some. Do ya want anything ta eat Davey?"

"No, I have to help my best friend remember?"

She smiles and gives you a bone crushing hug. "'kay, love ya Davey" She let's you go and you slips out from the corridor. The lab might be your best choice right now. You run your ass as fast as you can down the stairs to the secret cellar. Though you should've seen it coming you tumble down the last flight of stairs. You look up to see what you tripped on.

"Meow" the culprit says. It's your old cat Jaspers, he purrs and rubs against your leg. You rub him behind the ear. His purrs become louder. You just can't stay mad at the old fella.

"Hey Jaspers, what are you doing here?" you ask softly. Your laptop makes a sound, looks like you've got a new message.

 **-trippyGhost[TG] started pestering** **turntechTherapist[TT]-**

 **TG: Heeeeeeelp!**

 **TG: I just lost to bro! I'm bleeding all over! Omg omg OMFG!**

You quickly open your server. John is really bleeding all over.

 **TG: just kidding!**

You see him laugh through your screen.

 **TG: You can see me right?**

 **TT: WAT THE FUCK JOHN!? DIN'T YOU EVER DRE PULL A PRANK LIKE THAT EVER AGAION!**

 **TG: That's more like my buddy.**

You promised yourself not to drink anymore today but you have already reached for the bottle in your cylladex. You take a few gulps from it. You sit and stare at the computer screen blankly. John wipes the fake blood from his body. He looks confused. Jaspers jumps into your lap

"Thanks old man" You pat his head gently.

 **TG: Dave?**

 **TG: Are you okay?**

 **TG: I'm sorry!**

 **TG: I promise I won't do this again.**

 **TT: I cat talk to yo rite nw**

 **-turntechTherapist[TT] blocked trippyGhost[TG]-**

"Keep it together. I have to keep it together." you murmur, tears threatening to spill over. You know that your visions might come true one day. Rose's chat window lights up. You click it and her neon green text greets you. You take another sip.

 **-gnostalgicGnome[GG] started pestering turntechTherapist[TT]** -

 **GG: Hey**

 **GG: What just happen?**

 **TT: Go awau.**

 **GG: Nope.**

 **GG: I like your cat btw.**

 **TT: His nam's Japsers.**

 **TT: *Jaspers**

 **GG: Awww.**

 **GG: So, what happen between you and John?**

 **TT: I don't wat to talak about it ritgh now.**

 **GG: Oh lord, your grammar is worse than normal.**

 **GG: I'll just ask John then.**

You hug Jaspers closely. The old fella meows in confusion at your odd behavior. You know you're acting like a little kid, you just can't handle this right now. To distract yourself you do place out Johns Cruxtruder as well as the punch designix along with the totem latche and the alchemiter. John flails about wondering what the hell just happen.

 **GG: Omg unblock him already!**

 _Seer,_ _unblock the knight._

You proceed to flip off the voice in your head even thought you do unblock John. You hate people telling you what to do, especially if it's a voice in your head.

 **-turntechTherapist[TT] unblocked trippyGhost[TG]-**

 **TG: Dave?**

 **TG: I'm sorry!**

 **TG: I'll never do it again.**

 **TG: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry,** **I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm** **sorry, I'm sorry, I'm** **sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry,** **I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm** **sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!**

 **TG: Please talk to me again**

 **TT: Sory I blockd yu man. It was totlly unclaled for despite the joke being as non funny as can be.**

 **TG: you're back**

 **TG: thank goodness I thought I had lost my bestest of bros.**

 **TT: Bestest isn even a wrord.**

 **TG: like you're one to talk**

 **TT: Ya you're rite.**

 **TG: friends?**

 **TT: Sure.**

 **TG: so what's all the thing you dumped in my room?**

 **TT: It's a Cruxtruder.**

 **TT: Hellz yea! Got it rite the frist time!**

 **TG: hurray!**

 **TG: But what does it do?**

 **TT: Open it.**

 **TT: tunr the** **weel!**

You can see him struggle with the wheel for a while till it finally gives in and cruxtruder dowels are spit out like a fountain.


	4. Be Jade?

You quit being Dave for a moment. Your name is now Jade Egbert silly you! You have a few interests, gardening and of course hanging out with your IRL friends and internet friends. You just helped your friend Rose into a game, it's thrilling to say the least. You look down at your screen, you find an unfamiliar chat handle trying to get in contact with you. Weird.

 **-timaeusTestified[TT] started pestering gardenTrickster[GT]-**

 **TT: sup kid, I'm your server player for tonight, hope you enjoy the ride.**

 **GT: who is this?**

 **TT: Allow me to introduce myself, I'm the king of** **plush rumps, many call me Di-stri, the king of puppet porn, emperor of smuppets, aka. Dirk Strider.**

 **GT: wow!**

 **GT: you're Johns brother?**

 **TT: Basically.**

You smile brightly, if it's Johns brother then he can't be bad. It's the man who raised your friend after all.

 **GT: let's do this mr strider sir!**

 **TT: I'm just going to dump some things on your lawn.**

 **GT: Okay!**

You proceed to build on Rose's hose for now. As the emperor of smuppets promised he deployed all the necessary machinery for the start of your way into the game.

 **TT: That's all for me. So long kid.**

 **-timaeusTestifed[TT] ceased pestering gardenTrickster[GT]-**

You look at the new stuff outside your window. Why did he place them there? You ponder this for a while.

"Oh shit!" you say out loud. You've totally forgotten to congratulate John on his birthday. You did send him cookies but you still feel that the need to actually congratulate him through text is a lot more important.

 **-gardenTrickster[GT] started pestering trippyGhost[TG]-**

 **GT: HAPPY BIRTHDAY JOHN!**

 **TG: hello jade!**

 **TG: and thank you! the cookies were delicious!**

 **GT: I'm glad you liked them!**

 **TG: oh hell no!**

 **TG: oh my fucking god!**

 **GT: What happen?**

 **TG: I just saw Dave and my bro kissing!**

 **GT: What the heck?**

 **GT: but I just talked to him**

 **GT: he shouldn't have had the time to do that!**

 **TG: well they did do that, they're probably making out as we speak.**

 **TG: why does he do this to me?**

 **TG: I thought we were friends...**

 **GT: aww john i'm sorry!**

 **TG: I think this is payback for that prank I pulled on him.**

 **GT:** **brutal**

* * *

 ** _-Land of frost and Light-_**

You're now Rose Harley and your planet is so fucking bright. It genuinely hurts your eyes. Why is everything always so wonderful? That's a question you often ask yourself. The creatures habituating your planet are the cutest lizards you've ever seen. You just love every moment of this game.


	5. Be Bro

Daves fist collided with Dirks face making the older mans stupid anime glasses fly. In the confusion he had dropped little Cal the haunted doll that had destroyed both his and Johns life without neither of them knowing it. Dave quickly slid past the older and stabbed the doll in it's eyes. Green smoke trickled out of the cracks and away into the night carried with fiery wind. Dirk looked up at it.

"What the hell have you done?!" he snapped, striding towards the teen. He had gone so far as to draw his sword.

"I can fix new eyes for him." Dave said matter of factly, taking on a fighting stance. "It was only necessary to free those souls"

The first swing of the Striders sword split Daves scarf in half. The fabric fell to the ground. "Explain yourself" Dirk growled angrily. The teen wrapped his arms around the older mans neck.

"I will tell you everything once we've gotten rid of some spies." he said quietly, leaned in the last inch and kissed him square on the lips. The sound of running feet was heard behind Dirk. "Good now let me explain myself and that goes without crushing me to death Mr Strider" Dirk heard the venom in his voice when he uttered his name. "Follow me."

Dirk glared at him as they walked in silence. "So..." he started. They had reached an overgrown structure of steel. Dave led him into it, it looked like some sort of lab. "What is this?"

"Have you calmed down enough to listen properly?" he stopped before a monitor.

"Yes, I'm still pissed off though"

"That's fair." Dave pushed some buttons. "A long long time ago before this universe was created a being called Lord English was born. Our gods had no chance to stop him so they created our universe in order to stop him, however they didn't count on him filling that doll with bad energy and angry spirits. It would possess anyone in it's grasp urging the worst out of them." he stopped when all coordinates were set.

"What are you doing?"

"Making babies"

"What?"

"Listen, Lord English will be pretty pissed off at me for destroying his Juju so I want you to take care of my friends for me"

"So, you plan on fighting this Lord English by yourself"

"There's nothing _you_ can do prince of _doom_ "

Dirk pushed the last button in the process making the babies appear from thin air. "... It's like teen mom up in here" He picked up little baby John. "You destroying Cal was a wake up call for me. I feel awful for everything I've put John through"

"It was not supposed to be this way" Dave sat down against one of the wall, holding up baby Dirk. "We were all swapped up. You and mom was never supposed to be playing in this session. If I change it back though everyone will die and we will fail"

"Do you hate me?"

"No, I don't, I did before."

"So um... Sorry about your scarf" Dirk said, sitting down besides Dave.

"Do you want me to fix the doll since it's empty now?"

"Nah I'd rather Cal my baby" Dirk said flatly hugging John.

"Hahahaha" Dave started laughing hysterically.

"It wasn't that funny..."

"The big bad Strider makes puns? Of course" he wiped a tear from the corner of his eye. "Do you know what happens to people who makes puns?"

"No"

"They get..." Dave emptied his sylladex, dropping all of the pillows in it. "Cotton!"

Dirk hit him with one of the pillows. "Let's strife"

"You'll lose old man!"


End file.
